Fartlight
by Nadia Blackrose
Summary: A parody showing the main events from Twilight from a different point of view. Some oneshots may consist of two parts or more. Seto equals to Edward,I've got some proof!
1. Chapter 1

**Fartlight**

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**Author** : **Bored of all Twilight love stories?**

**Bored of stupid and sometimes annoying Bella??**

**This parody is for you!! xD**

**No no no I don't own Twilight, and believe me I wouldn't want to do so! XD**

**I don't own Seto Kaiba from Yu gi oh either!**

**I DO own my whole idea and everything coming out of this. So, no one can dare to steal whatever I have written without asking my persmission.**

Bella steps into the Biology classroom when she's about to meet Seto Kaiba ( what the hell, if you cartoonize pattinson you'll see he's the living resemblance of him!). Her steps are slow, shy, like a stupid kid who got lectured by it's parents. But no, she had not parents in this world, only a nymphomaniac mum who used to cheat her dad all the time, making him grow pretty big horns in his head,so she left him when he couldn't enter the house anymore ( due to his big horns).

Well, anyway, back to the point when she was about to step into the biology classroom. There were no empty seats, for the students knew that Bella was farting very hard when she was sitting so they tried to stay away from her. However, there was one person, unlucky enough to be the one who would sit (or shit) next to her: Seto Kaiba,a rich spoiled person who had light brown hair and also made them a bit spiky in order to be cool. He also demanded everyone to call him Edward, for no reason at all. Anyway, all the girls liked him but he was so distant and cold, most of them were saying that he was gay because he was too keen on his younger brother. As he saw Bella entering the classroom, he was magnified by her beauty until she came closer to the fan and her scent reached his delicate nose. He made an expression of disgust as if he was to vomit, but managed to stand his ground and she came closer to him, wondering why he hated her so much.

''Hi!'' Bella greeted him without smiling at all.

Seto, I mean Edward, turned his face on her and asked her :

''How long is it since you had a bath?''

Bella did not have words to say, he was such a mean guy although he was absolutely right : She hated water like everything else in that world, and for that reason she avoided having a bath. She looked at him annoyed and was ready to give her answer to his insult :

''I can stink much worse if you wish.''

''Everyone knows that, cutie. You already farted.'' he replied in his cold tone that got Bella surprised. He called her cutie or was it just her imagination? That, bastard dared to say one good word once in his life?? But more importantly, how he was able to smell that small invinsible fart of her? No human would manage to have such a sensitive nose, and that was quite surprising! She remembered dogs running away when she was feeling fear due to the odour she was emitting from her body. But he... Edward, HE WAS NOT A DOG!

''Yes, I am no dog, for I have one secret. Meet me at the forest tomorrow and I will tell you!''

''What the fuck? How do you know what I think inside my f**cking head?'' she asked him curiously, unable to find a logical explanation for all the surprises Edward had given to her, apart from being so smexy and nice. He gazed at her with his cold blue eyes that turned to honey and made her scream like a maniac!

''!''

she screamed and the teacher kicked her out of class like a rat, while the rest of the students were laughing at her.

When the lesson was over she went to the classroom again, only to find Seto- Edward asking to change classroom because he couldn't stand being around Bella, making her wonder why that stupid guy hated her so much whereas he had planned to meet her at the forest the next day... Bella returned at home, and stayed all alone, thinking about Edward, shivering at the thought of them being together all alone in those woods, for loved him at first sight ever since she came to school.

The next day, Edward was missing from the Biology class, but Bella didn't care for she would meet him at the forest in the midday. She got out of school and was about to get into her track until a stupid classmate of her was about to squeeze her like a pancake with his own vehicle. He was laughing wickedly at her, looking forward to see her turning into a tomato juice under the hot wheels of his own track, for Bella had rejected him and he was very angry at her. Plus, the rest of the school had placed a 2 million dollar bet on him to kill her so it was a very easy thing for him to do. To his bad luck, Edward came to the rescue and stopped that track, leaving Bella safe and sound...then disappeared into thin air.

''Oh Shit, I failed, now I have to take a loan to repay the boys who placed that bet on me.'' the guy with the truck was crying...Moreover, Bella's classmates came closer to her, pretending they were feeling worried for what had happened to her. Actually, they were just sad that they failed to get a rid of that living catastrophe named Bella, and they were so miserable about that.

......

Bella went to the forest to meet Seto, yes yes Edward I mean, don't shoot at me! There she stood, motionless, waiting and waiting for him to appear but to no avail...It must have been another prank, she thought to herself and then out of the blue he appeared. She gazed at him and her face turned into a strange expression...

''How did you do that?'' she asked him while she bit her lip, waiting for his answer to come shortly.

''What do you mean?'' he replied in his usual cold tone.

Bella got angry by receiving his stupid question as a reply so she began singing:

''Your cruel device, your blood like ice, one look could kill,my pain, your thrill...''

''You listen too much music my girl, I've got to warn you to stay away from me.''

But she didn't stop, his words motivated her to sing more...

''I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)  
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop  
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)  
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison  
You're poison running through my veins  
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains''

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**More soon!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The two lovers  


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**

They stayed all alone, deep into that threatening dark forest where unknown nasty creatures lived, lurking in every corner in search for a little snack. And Bella would definitely be one of them if she wasn't so...weird, and interesting at the same time. Once, some doctors tried to experiment on her in order to figure out what existed in a brain as hollow as hers, to no results. So, she had been released from the zoo she had been once and then, she was about to witness the undeniable truth behind Edward's strength...

After singing that favourite song of her she saw Seto (I repeat, Seto demanded to call him Edward, maybe because it fitted his aristocratic nature better) watching at her, petrified by her lack of talent at singing :

''Are you finished with your bullshit?'' he wondered while he was running out of patience.

''Oh yes.'' she replied and then went on : ''You didn't tell me how did you manage to save me today. You're...unusual, strange...''

His smile grew bigger, as if he was about to burst into unstoppable laughter from the fact that she had a brain. Nonetheless he did not speak, just kept on listening to what she had to say. He didn't want to give his secret away so easily, without making his victim think for a while, just for a change.

''Moreover...You smelled my small fart after I sat next to you. How can it be possible? You're not a dog to have such a strong smell!''

Terror was painted in every corner of her enchanting face, and he was enjoying the spectacle with all his heart, if he had one of course, for the mystery he possessed was yet to be unfold. He wanted to play with her mind, and test her limits, how far she could go and how long she would stand this game of his. As a result he wanted to torture her a little, driving her insane until all her defences would be torn apart.

''My dad's a doctor, he can give you pills if you think I saved you today.''

''I am not crazy!'' she complained, trying to avoid the imminent logical assumption that wanted her to be a crazy person, something that even she had started considering a long time ago, when she came to live in Spoons.

''I am not crazy, you fool! You're a freak and I want to know what the heck you are!'' she hissed.

''Think just a bit more...for yourself.'' he said in a calm way, sounding indifferent to her frustration while he was struggling so painfully to hide his desire to bite her fluffy bottom.

She began thinking loudly, realising that Edward was stronger than an average human person, and this thought was giving her the creeps, but what else could she do apart from accepting it?

''You are strong... and fast, your eyes change colour, your ass is so cold I need to have a stove next to me, and...you can smell like a dog! I think I know! You're not a human!''

Edward began laughing ironically, surprised that she figured out so quick that he was no human.

''Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You entertain me with your train of thought! And yes you're right, I am not a hiuman.''

''Then what the hell are you?'' she wondered in fear and a small fart slipped from her tight asshole.

''Previously, you said that I can smell like a dog. Spell it vice versa.''

''G-O-D! Oh it's God!!'' she exclaimed in surprise, and then frowned in wonder. '' And what's that supposed to mean you jackass?''

''Isn't it enough for you to know that I can live forever? I am a vampire!''

by the time he said he was a vampire Bella had run away the faster she could screaming like a coward! Poor girl, and she liked him so much before learning the truth about him. To her disappointment, and as she had mentioned before he was too fast so she couldn't get away!

He caught to her, and stood before her.

''Yes, I am strong, and I will show you now my true strength for trying to leave me like this! No one dares to escape from Seto Edward Kaiballen, the vegetarian vampire!''

He grabbed her hand and started throwing her to every tree he was seeing until he destroyed a bunc of them.

''I am strong! I am rich, I am a god you filthy mortal shit! ''

''But I love you!!''

''What??'' he wondered, and stood still for a while. What the hell, did she like him, too, apart from all the school and all the girls in Spoons? Well, it was no great news to him but no one had told him so openly that. She gave his hand and helped Bella stand to her feet, then she told her :

''What do you love from me? I am a nasty person! And you don't want to see how I REALLY look in the sunlight.''

''I love you the way you are. Just show me yourself!''

''Aren't you afraid of me?''

''I can't fear more than I already do!'' she giggled and showed her brown pants.

Then, he took her into his back as if she was sack of potatoes and took her to a sunlit meadow. There, he was sparkling as if a thousand diamonds were attached to his perfectly shaped body, and Bella was enjoying it... She formed a huge smile and exclaimed:

''Wow!! You're a living mine full of diamonds! I'm gonna become rich! Shall I cut a piece of you?''

Edward growled like a dog staring at her as if he was to kill her :

''Oh oh! Oops, sorry, let's forget it! What about... becoming lovers?''

''That's stupid of you to ask, but OK! I love your blood, it smells like... rotten cheese!''

So, this is how Bella and Seto Edward Kaibalen became lovers under the fartlight of that treacherous forest...

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**Next oneshot/ chapter will be soon, please review and I will try to update as fasr as I can!**


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